Skip to main content

Smiley

    I can't keep living like this. Constantly having to repress my emotions is numbing. Believing that when I kept on smiling after something hurt me terribly was normal. What is normal? Laughing at things that were manic, hiding the things that weren't happy. Reality set in. I'm here in this shell. Alone. Non-expressive. Ashamed of my sadness. Representing someone I don't even know. Who is this person that everyone else see's but me? Why can't I see the smiley person you all so love? Where has she gone? Smiley is in a pit of darkness that she can't seem to dig herself out of. Relying on validation from others that don't matter, ignoring her needs. Dabbling in substances that make the pain go away, ever so slightly. Be happy. Be free. Let go of... me. Thoughts that run through my head always leave me in here. In a space where I feel that I have no where to run. My mind craves a dopamine fix. Whereas my heart, my heart is in pain. It hurts when smiley doesn't feel heard, it hurts when smiley's efforts aren't reciprocated, it hurts when smiley doesn't feel seen, it hurts when smiley... loses someone she loves. Smiley feels alone in this life that isn't lonely. So why doesn't she seek help? Because all they see is smiley. 

Comments