I can't keep living like this. Constantly having to repress my emotions is numbing. Believing that when I kept on smiling after something hurt me terribly was normal. What is normal? Laughing at things that were manic, hiding the things that weren't happy. Reality set in. I'm here in this shell. Alone. Non-expressive. Ashamed of my sadness. Representing someone I don't even know. Who is this person that everyone else see's but me? Why can't I see the smiley person you all so love? Where has she gone? Smiley is in a pit of darkness that she can't seem to dig herself out of. Relying on validation from others that don't matter, ignoring her needs. Dabbling in substances that make the pain go away, ever so slightly. Be happy. Be free. Let go of... me. Thoughts that run through my head always leave me in here. In a space where I feel that I have no where to run. My mind craves a dopamine fix. Whereas my heart, my heart is in pain. It hurts when smiley doe...
Imagine coming into this life as a Black woman, Melanated skin that glows from the sun above, Sweet succulent lips that captivate you through conversation, Crowns that tell stories with each hairstyle chosen, Sheesh the power. The Black woman is majestic and nurturing, but the Black woman is also human. As powerful as we may seem, we still bleed, we still hurt, and we still feel pain. So why is it that Black women aren't treated as such? Why do they kill us, our husbands, brothers, sisters? it seems as if animals get treated better. As Black people we are advertised as strong, even when in pain. We can never grieve too long or we get deemed as weak. We are seen as indestructible. And that's the problem, we are human. We've been put on this pedestal of strength and don't get me wrong... as much suffering as we have been through it's well deserved. But it's all for the wrong reasons, why should a mother be strong enough to see and hear her child get shot and ...